Rest secure in Him. Why is it that its so hard for us to remember this? I went to bed last night at a fairly decent hour. I was in bed by 10:30, which is actually early for me. But I could not sleep. I just could not turn my brain off and focus on sleeping. I tried and I tried and I tried. I started praying, "Lord just let me sleep, please. I need to sleep. I need to be able to rest right now."
But I started thinking about my dear son. My dear son who has type 1 diabetes. My son
that I have gone over and beyond to take care of him in his short life. He's dealt with so much in ten years, and he's only 12.
He's 12. I just keep saying that over and over and over again. For starters, I'm almost the mom of a TEENAGER! That in itself is unbelievable and crazy to think about. I was just a teenager it seems. I have to remind myself that 40 will be here for me before I know it. Anyway, back to the fact that he's only 12. He, in a sense, had to grow up fast.
I didn't choose for him to grow up fast, not by a long shot. He was only 2 when we learned he has diabetes. Just 2. NO ONE should have to ever have to hear words coming from a Dr, "Your child has diabetes, and there is no cure for it. He will have to take insulin for the rest of his life in order to survive."(or any other illness that has no cure!)
This was in June 2000. By maybe October of 2000, he was doing his own sugar testing. He would take that little finger and poke it all by himself. In fact if I tried to help him he would say, "No I do it!!" But then shots were another thing. We would have to hold him down. Holding your child down so you can stick them with a needle--NOT FUN!!!
Now, picture yourself doing that. Forcing your child to let you stick them with a needle, while you tell them, "Its ok." and, "You have to have this!" And seeing the fear and the tears in their eyes, as they say. "No mommy no!!!"
How do I forget any of that? How do I forget that Ive had to be there forcing my child to stick his finger, eat his food, and take shots. I can't!! You just can't blow it off and forget
any of it. Not when its been your entire life for ten years.
Here's my thing. I am a mother. I have been blessed with two kids--gifts from God above.
And as a mother, it is my job to take care of these gifts. I have to feed them, and clothe them, and keep them safe. If they are sick, I have to do whatever I can to help them get better fast. I can take them to the doctor and I can get medicine for them and I can let them watch tv and eat popsicles all day when sickness occurs.
But this...diabetes...I can't fix it. I can't take it away. And believe me, I have said numerous times that if I could take it away and take it on myself, I would do it in a heartbeat. And I've told Mr. C this. He just looked at me and said, "Ya right, mom!" OUCHY--that hurt! It was like being sucker punched.
I've seen him go from being a sweet little boy to being incredibly grouchy and irritable--at times I have said he's as moody as a girl with PMS!! Anger--he's got a LOT of it. Who wouldn't? But I feel as if he takes it out on me the most. I've seen the look of pure hatred in his eyes. Not something you want to see in your child's eyes. I've seen the anger in his eyes when he's telling me that he hates diabetes. And I've seen the look in his eyes when I say, "Its not my fault you have this!" Its just so hard for kids to understand. Some deal with it OK, some don't.
A lot of times, I get in bed and my mind just starts racing and remembering everything we've dealt with all these years and I then wonder, 'whats to come?'
I pulled up my email today and I had a devotional with Deut.33:12. Just another one of
those times that I was reminded to draw near to Him. I have got to remember that I can find rest in His arms. Some days its just so tough though. And then I see and hear some of the things that others are going through, and it makes me feel like what we deal with is nothing. But I know it IS something. And I know that Christ DOES care about what I as a mom feels. Thats why I have to just smile when I get a verse in my inbox like the Deuteronomy 33:12
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