In the light of some things that have happened in the last few weeks, my heart is just so heavy for so many. Ive learned of different things that diferent people are going through and dealing with and my heart just aches for them. And that being said, its not said lightly. My heart litterally ACHES for them. They have lost friends, family members, aquaintances, co-workers. Knowing that so many are hurting emotionally breaks my heart.
Why do I feel this way? Why is it that knowing someone has passed away affect me the way it does? Why does it matter? And especially when its someone that I have never met? I'll tell you why...its called COMPASSION.
Have you ever stopped and looked up the definition of compassion is?
Here it is: compassion: a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is
stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
My mother called me a few weeks ago, to let me know that a dear church member was in the hospital and she was very ill. It happened suddenly, so it was a bit of a shock. It was one of those "Oh my!!" responces when she told me. My heart just sank. This woman was one of my Sunday School teachers. I was taken back to memories of all of us girls sitting around our room and her teaching the lesson. She was such a Godly woman. She was one of the ladies at church who were SOO SUPER excited when they learned I was finally pregnant again. And when we found out we were having a girl--she was ecstatic!
There is one day in particular that I saw her in WalMart. She stopped to chat, and check out Tobi sitting in her car seat. She asked how my mom was doing. She looked at me and said, "I just love your mamma! She is one of the most spiritual people I know. I really look up to her." Later when I talked to my mom, I couldnt hardly tell her because it choked me up. And when I did manage to get it out, then it choked my mom up.
Since her passing, I have learned of several other people who have passed away. And again, my heart is heavy. I have heard of about 5 other people who have passed away in the last 2 weeks or so. Two of them hit me really hard. I don't 'know' either of them. But hearing of their deaths hit me hard just the same as it would, had I known them.
Anytime I hear of a death, as I said, it breaks my heart. I KNOW that this life that we live in, is not forever. There is a beginning and an end to every life. Thats the way our Heavenly Father created the world. Without HIM, there would be nothing. There would be no sun, moon, stars, mountains, trees, oceans, or people.
My best friend and her family were greatly affected by a sudden loss of a close friend of their family. It was a complete shock to everyone when they heard what had happened.
When she was telling me about it, I just shook my head. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. And one of my first thoughts was WHY? This kid had everything going for him. And he was fresh out of college, planning on marrying and starting a family. Why, why, why, why, WHY?
I was with my friend when she broke the news to her son. And it broke my heart even more as I sat and listened to her telling him the news. I felt so awkward being there for something so 'personal' but at the same time, I could clearly hear the Holy Spirit telling me, "Its Ok! She needs you here right now!" I couldn't say anything. I didnt know WHAT to say. So I just sat, and I listened and I prayed silently as I sat.
When I finally left and headed to my parents house to pick up my kids, my mind was going at what seemed, a hundred miles an hour. I just kept hearing all the details of this horrible trajedy over and over in my head. And this kids family, oh my gosh, my heart just ached for them. And the whole time Im thinking about all of this, I am thinking about how I would feel if it were me and my family? What if it was close friends of ours? Close friends that may as well be family. We have a few friends that are just that close.
By the time I got to my folks house, I was having a very hard time holding myself together. I walked in the house, very quiet. I didnt say a whole lot to anyone. I'd been there about 5 minutes when I finally managed to start telling them what had happened. And I could NOT hold it together. I lost it. I was so overcome with emotion for this family and for my friends, that I just cried.
Then my mind started to wonder back a few weeks and all the emotions I felt when I learned of another death just made my heart ache even more. It was a little more, what I would call, 'closer to home' for me. Why is that? Because the disease that I hate and loathe with every breath that I take, had taken another life. And this young life was only 13. Just one year older than my son. Just one year older than my son, who also has this same disease. Learning about this young man's passing hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to grab the phone and call this kid's mother. But I had no clue who she was. I wanted to be able to just embrace her with the tightest hug I could give her. But again, I didn't know her.
I managed to find her, thanks to Face Book. Ah...the age of social networking. What did we do before Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter? I sent this mom a friend request and she accepted. She didnt have to. In fact, Im sure she thought, "Who are you and what do you want?" But, she did accept and I was glad she did. I have read her fb updates daily since that day. I sent her a few emails and gave her my condolances. Two or three days passed and I sent her another email. I contemplated it for a while and I finally just gave in and asked her the question that weighed so heavy on my mind. Why? And what happened?
I'd already read his obituary online. THAT in itself made me just ache all over. And when I read the words, 'complications of type 1 diabetes' it just made that ache even more intense. All that ran through my head was again, WHY? Was he sick? Was it sudden? Was it DKA? And again, I wanted to just pick up the phone and talk with her, or reach through my computer and just hug her as tight as I could.
I finally gave in and I emailed her and just point blank said, "I have to ask; I have to know, what happened?" After I got finished typing the email, I sat for several minutes before I hit the submit button. I thought to myself, "Is she going to respond? Is it going to make her angry that I've asked this question?! Is she going to respond, and if she responds, is she going to go off and tell me its none of her business? She didn't have to respond at all.
But she did. And I am thankful that she did.
I wasnt looking for an answer to try to convince myself that its never going to happen to my son. I contacted her because while I do not know exactly how she feels, I have the deepest sympathy for her and her family. And I have that sympathy because I myself could be affected by the same situation. I have that sympathy because I have read countless stories of people who have kids with the same disease that entered my families lives ten short years ago. I say short, but its actually been ten long years. At times it seems like it was just a few months ago. At times, it seems like forever ago.
All of these different situations make a person stop and think. Or at least it should make a person stop and think. Life is a gift from God. And its too short to take people for granted. No one knows from one day to the next what will happen. No one knows that but the Lord himself. One thing for sure is, you better know exactly where your going when your time comes. Don't sit around and just "think" about where your going. Make sure you KNOW where your going.
The one thing that I KNOW is this: That even in the midst of all the trials and storms that I go through, that my Saviour is right there with me. And there are days that are HARD to get through, for various reasons. And when I hear of a passing of a loved one, no matter who it is, that one day, they will be seen again.
My heart ACHES every single day for my grandmothers. One has been gone since October of 1993. To this day, I when I've got news or something exciting that I want to share with someone, my thoughts always go to her. Or, when one of my kids does something so incredibly hilarious that I know she would have cracked up at, I just smile because I can see her face.
My other grandmother passed away in 2006. Tobi was just 8 months old.
THAT hurts my heart terribly. Tobi was her last great grandbaby. To this day, I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Tobi. Granny had battled Alzheimers for a while already. We were at her house one day, and she was talking about getting rid of this and that. She proceeded to tell me, "Im just not going to be around much longer, and Im ready to go home." I tried to compose myself but I could not. When I managed to do just that, I just looked at her and said, "Granny, you can't go anytime soon." She proceeded to tell me that she wasnt going to be around forever. And I said, "I know it, but you can't leave us just yet!" Then she asked why? And I told her, "Because Im gonna have another baby, and you have to stick around to meet him/her!!" She was thrilled!
We were blessed to have her around for 8 more months, after Tobi was born. I couldn't wait for Granny to meet her. I can still see the look on her face when she saw Tobi for the first time. Her eyes lit up and she said, "OH! Look at her~Its Lesley!" She thought Tobi was me. One of my favorite pics in Tobi's baby book is of Granny holding Tobi. She has the biggest smile on her face.
To this day I can't talk about Granny, or her being gone, without choking up. Im sitting here bawling like a baby right now. I can't sit and talk about any of our family members who have already passed on. I can't talk about a lot of things, without crying. I can't sit and listen to the radio without bursting into tears when I hear certain songs. I can't listen to other people talk about different stories, without getting all teary eyed.
Why is that? Because that's how God created me. He created me with a compassionate heart. And for that, I will Praise Him daily for the gift of compassion.
