that I had with my son.
I've thought about it off and on for the last several days. I am thankful for my son. I am thankful for the fact that he has diabetes, and not cancer. I am thankful that he has medication to regulate his blood sugars. However, his insulin is NOT a CURE for his diabetes. Its not going to make his pancreas miraculously start working again.
Its not easy to see him struggle with the anger about it every day. Its not easy to watch him go through out the day and see what happens when his glucose is too low. Its not easy..any of it. And while I AM thankful that we have to go through all of these things and not something worse, I feel like I should still be able to say that I HATE DIABETES. I HATE IT!! Thats how I vent my own anger and frustration about it. I say that. And you know what? My Heavenly Father also knows how I feel about it. He's been there since day one of this long journey--and even before then. And without Him in my life, I would not have made it through these last 10 1/2 years. I am so thankful for His protection over Colton. We have never had to take him to the hospital for anything since his diabetes dx's. That is purely my awesome God watching over him and keeping him safe!
my fb note:
I had a conversation with my son yesterday. It started out focusing on one thing and eventually turned to talking about his health.
I was asking different questions and comparing answers with what his would be and what mine would be. One of those questions was, "Does your body make insulin?" And he looked at me and said, "NO" I then said, "Does my body make insulin?, Yes"; to which his reply was "LUCKY!!!"(insert sarcasm as he said it)
That lead to various other statements from me. Its not a secret that I hate this disease. I hate that fact that it has robbed me, so to speak, of my son--or at least thats how I use to feel. It has robbed him, more than people realize, of his childhood, so to speak. Kyle and I have tried to tell him, as well as a few others, that he has GOT to admit and accept that he has a physical, chronic, medical condition. He must accept this fact.
For the first time ever, I heard my son utter the words yesterday that I had hoped I would never hear him say. I had an inkling that he felt this way, but I have never heard him actually say it. And it broke my <3
He told me that he feels like he is a mistake....because he has diabetes. Because he has diabetes, he's defective. So therefore, God made a mistake when He created him. As he said this, tears slowly ran down his cheeks. And I looked at him and said, "Is that really how you feel??" I couldn't get those words out of my mouth before I was just sobbing.
I told him that God doesn't make mistakes. I told him that Psalm 139:14 says," I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." I told him, as I have told him many times throughout his life, that the Lord made him extra special, and that we don't know why he has diabetes, but the fact remains that he does, and its all a part of God's plan for his life.
The Lord doesn't make mistakes! Plain and simple. This is something he wrestles with every single day. I know this b/c I see it. I see his anger and his frustration with his health. I've asked WHY as many times as he has, why he has diabetes. And I just have to continue to believe that God is in control. He has total and complete control over Colton's life. And he has entrusted Kyle and I as his parents. He's given him to US to take care of him. And for that, I am very thankful. And I am VERY thankful for the insulin that he DOES have to take every single day. And PRAISE God for the discovery of that drug.
Here is a link from the JDRF's website. Read and let it sink in as you do. The little girl that is featured, was just 4 when this was posted. Read how many times she has stuck her finger, changed an infusion site, etc.
Colton has poked his fingers at LEAST 6 times a day for the last 10 years. He went from having 4 shots a day, every day in 2000-April 16, 2005, when he started on the insulin pump. And now, he changes his infusion site every 3 days. He goes through ONE 10ml bottle of insulin typically in a week, just a little more. Which is a LOT! He has gone from getting about 10 units a day when he was dx'd to getting somewhere between 80-100 units in ONE day now.
Type 1 diabetes use to be called Juvenile Onset. Most now just say Type 1. Why? Because it doesn't just strike kids. Anyone at ANY age can be dx'd with Type 1. Ive said it before, it has NO age limit. And it can't be controlled with diet and exercise. Type 2 is controlled by diet, exercise and medications. Insulin can NOT be taken in pill form. It must be taken via syringe or pump.
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