Thunderstorms are quite interesting to me. They don't scare me. I know that some people have a hard time dealing with storms and thats OK. Everyone deals with them differently. I myself like to just watch the lightning as it lights up the sky. The formations that the clouds form, also interesting. Then there are the high winds, and sometimes hail stones. In the winter months, those storms turn from rain to ice, freezing rain, sleet, and snow. Snow, its so pretty as it comes down from the heavens. Sometimes its itty bitty snowflakes, and sometimes its BIG huge fat snowflakes. Sometimes it falls at a slow rate, and sometimes those big fat flakes are coming down so hard and fast, that you can't even see through it. It just comes down and blankets the earth. It covers up the grass and the flowers, but not for long. Before we know it, winter is over and Spring is just around the corner. When Spring comes, new life begins, and rain storms come again, full circle.
Our lives are not much different. There are seasons in our lives where everything just seems to go 'our way' and then there are times that a storm arises. And that storm may be a small little rainstorm, or it could be a tornado or a hurricane. And in the midst of it all, there is one thing that remains the same. God is right there with you. He is there from beginning to end. He always is, and He always will be. Why? Because HE IS OUR GOD, and without HIM we would have NOTHING!
Now, to remind myself of this daily is something I must do. I get down and depressed and upset because I have different things I am dealing with. Don't we all? Well, sure we do. We're human. Life happens, and its not always good and its not always bad. That would be the seasons/storms that I mentioned first.
I have a few storms in my life. More than one storm at a time?? Yep! I do. Most people who have known me for any length of time know that I have a big hairy ugly storm that comes in the form of a disease that revealed itself ten years ago. Ten years ago?? Man, now thats a LONG time for a storm to rage. But, rage it does. Every single day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It doesnt take a break. Doesn't get the weekends or holidays off. No vacation days, or snow days. Its in my life, and my husband's life, and my daughter's life, and my son's life. No, I myself, my husband, or my daughter, none of us have this disease. But Colton does. And as his parents, and his sister, we are all affected by this BIG UGLY HAIRY STORM. Storms..hairy?? Humor me here--b/c they can and are hairy at times!
There are times that this storm is just a little bit of rain. Sometimes its a little more intense, rather than being a mild little rain shower. And then other times, its a FULL BLOWN STORM--high winds, and hail, etc.
In those storms, I get mad and I gripe. I get mad, and I complain. I get upset, and I cry. I want to kick and scream, and stomp the ground as hard as I can. Does it happen? No. Would it fix it? No. Make the storm any easier or better? No
I have this BIG storm that I have to deal with on a daily basis, as Ive said, 24/7. Its ALWAYS there, rearing its ugly head. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! Did I mention..I hate it?? Why me? Why us? Why MY son?
I have asked those questions many times over the last ten years. And is it wrong of me to ask? No, I don't think it is. I can ask all I want. And its going to be the same answer every time. I can sit and talk with God and have this conversation over and over and over. Each time I can hear Him whisper, "And why not your son?, Don't you trust me?" And even, "Why not your son?"
There are days that are so so so so so tough. And everything that I have just said is a cycle and it starts all over again. I have had the same conversation every single day for the last ten years. Thats A LOT of days!
And at the same time that I ask WHY, and I hear the Lord say, WHY NOT?, I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God is in control. God was in control and He knew all of this before I ever got pregnant with Colton.
Psalm 139:13-16: You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. Your workmanship is marvelous--how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
I have another post titled "How God Chose The Mother Of a Diabetic Child" that you should check out.
The first time I ever read that, was not very long after Colton was dx'd with diabetes. At the age of just 2, mind you. It seems like so long ago to some, but to me, as his mom, it seems like yesterday.
When I sat down to write this post, I had something completely different that I was going to write about.
I had already pulled up the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Casting Crowns. When I first heard Praise You in this Storm, It just summed up how I felt about all that we go through. And we go through A LOT.
Thats something I know that some don't understand. They don't understand what the big deal is. They don't understand what the significance of it all is. They don't understand why my husband and I or my parents or anyone else in our family--they dont understand WHY its such a big storm. They don't understand that this is my child--my son's life. They don't understand what it felt like to hear the words, "Mrs. Otwell, your son has diabetes." They don't understand what it was like to look back at the Dr who just spoke those words, and ask him, "But why? What did we do wrong?" They dont' know what it was like to take this sweet little boy and make him sit still just so we could poke his finger with a tiny little needle just to get a drop of blood, 12 times a day. They don't know what it was like to take that same little boy and hold him down, while he screamed at the top of his lungs, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Mommy, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", while we gave him a shot of insulin. They don't know what it was like, to have to get up in the middle of the night every 2 hours to poke those little fingers, to see if he needed yet another shot of insulin. They don't know what it was like the first time you heard the words, "I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" come out of your precious son's mouth, because he had to have, yet another shot of insulin. They don't understand that taking a lancet and poking a finger to get a tiny blood sample is something that has to be done on a daily basis. They don't understand that while eating is something that we all must do, that it can be a life or death situation for my son. They don't understand that this disease, whether we wanted it to or not, has affected our relationship with our son. They do not understand what its like to look into the eyes of a 12 year old kid and see the hurt and the fear and the anger that has built up inside him over the years. They don't understand what its like to have gone through the last 10 years being in the midst of this storm.
And then there are those who DO understand. They understand what its like to hear those same words from their Dr about their own child. They understand the question of asking WHY? They understand the hurt and the anger and the pain. They understand because they either have diabetes themselves or they have a loved one or friend that has it. They understand what its like because they make it a point to learn and educate themselves about the disease. They understand because they care. They care what happens to my son. They care what happens between our son, and us. They care what happens as our son continues to grow up with this disease.
Storms come. Storms Go. Storms come and stay. And even in the midst of those storms, no matter if its a little shower, or a big thunderstorm, God is there. He is there to listen when I cry. He is there to listen when Im angry. He is there during every single struggle that I have each and every day with this disease.
Praise You In This Storm
By Casting Crowns:
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
Chorus:
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
Chorus:
(2x’s)
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth
Chorus:
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