that people normally think about. Its not a high on life, or a high cuz somethin's been smoked. Its something
that can turn into a life or DEATH situation! LITERALLY!!!
Today was an eventful day. It was one that at one moment, got a little heated between Colton and I. That tends to happen a lot. And I HATE it. I HATE it with a passion. He knows how to push my buttons and push he does. But today was a little different.
I started talking to him and reminding him that he is NOT in charge. Its not up to him to tell his sister what to do, when to do it or how to do it. (amazing, we tend to have that conversation a lot). And some how, that conversation always leads to his over all behavior. It seems like this is the way stuff always starts. Either he's being rude/ugly/hateful to his sister--almost going out of his way to be mean, OR he's being rude/ugly and hateful to me, as well as being disrespectful, not listening, etc.
Eventually the conversation turned around from what it had started out with, and it turned around to being about his diabetes. He smarted off to me, "You never let me do anything I want." I looked at him and said, "And why is that??!!" He would't answer me. He just stood there with hate in his eyes. Ive seen it before. Not thing kind of thing you want to see in the eyes of your child.
I proceeded to ask him, "Why is it that you don't get to do a lot of things?" He looked at me for several minutes and wouldn't answer me. So I repeated the question. He finally responded, "Because I don't do what Im suppose to." I then looked at him and said, " And why don't you do what your suppose to?"
Then response was the usual, "I don't know."
The conversation continued. I once again, reminded him that he HAS to do stuff that he doesn't want to do.
I eventually looked at him and said, WHY do you not get to do certain things, sometimes? He just looked at me, and again, I could see the anger in his eyes. I finally looked at him and said, "Why are things different for you?" He wouldn't answer me. I asked him yet again, and he said, "Because!!" I said, "Because WHY?"
I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. And of course, Im already trying NOT to cry myself. I manage to take a deep breath and tell him, "I want to hear you say it!!!" His responce: "NO!!!" Me:, "YES!"
He looked away from me and said, "Because Im a diabetic" and he just stood there shaking his head no.
Now before some of you who may be reading this try to tell me not to label him, I am fully aware of that. And I am NOT trying to label him. There was a reason behind that madness after the initial confrontation.
I looked at him and said, "YES!! You have diabetes!! And that is WHY you have to do things the way that you do. That is WHY you can't just get mad and blow things off and try to ignore it." By now he's doing everything he can to NOT cry. And so am I. And once again, I told him as Kyle and I have both told him before. I said, "I LOVE YOU and I love you too much to just let you sit around and NOT do what you have to do every single day. Thats WHY I stay on you. Thats WHY I always ask you when you've checked yourself last. Thats WHY I ask you if you remembered to bolus.!" By the time I get done saying all of that, Im in full blown tears. I can not talk to him about all this without losing it and bawling. I've tried, and I just can't. No matter how hard I try. But today, today was different.
I managed to finally look at him and ask him what he's thinking/feeling. He's still trying not to cry. He's fuming, I can almost see the smoke comin out of his ears! I proceed to ask him what he's thinking/feeling.
He yet again, just looks at me. And I said again, "just say it!" And again, the responce is "no!" I said, "YES!" "You have got to say it!"
Im going to say as I've said before, I KNOW he's a kid. I know he's only 12. But I also know that he's a very angry kid. He's got so much anger built up inside of him. He tries to blame it all on Tobi--b/c she 'irritates' him. But I know its more than that. This attitude has been going on since BEFORE I learned I was pregnant with Tobi.
I finally managed to get him to say, "I HATE IT!!!!!!!" Then I really broke down, and I said, "I hate it too!!!"
"I hate it, and again, thats WHY I am so hard on you!!" "I dont want you to miss out on doing stuff with your friends."
Different people deal with this disease differently. Some just let it all just roll off their shoulders. Some get angry. Some get depressed. I think its safe to say that Colton and I both fit into the angry group of people; and I myself have been depressed about it. I'll tell you right now, I've been on and off of antidepressents for the last ten years. I get sick of taking them b/c I can't tell if they are helping me or not, and then I feel worse, b/c I get them out of my system--it just makes ya feel like poop!
He's had a LOT to deal with in the last ten years. His life as a preschooler was taken away from him. I always say, that my little boy was taken away from me. I know it didnt have to be that way. But I also know that back when we first found out about his diabetes, I had two choices. 1) Bury my head in the sand and ignore everything and hope that it would go away. 2)Learn all I could about this disease and do what was necessary to take care of the life that God had entrusted me with. I chose 2!
Not only has he had a lot to deal with for the last ten years, but we, as his parents have as well. I feel like I sound like a broken record. But if I don't repeat things, then our voices are not heard. Our thoughts and feelings on this disease and what role its played in our lives, goes unheard. You want to talk about storms in life, let me tell ya, this has been one BIG storm. And as much as I hate it, I still know that if it were not for my amazing Savior, I would not be here now. Why? Because I am one of those people who internalizes stuff. And I blamed myself for him getting sick. And yes, diabetes is an illness. Remember, it has NO cure--which makes it a chronic illness.
I blamed myself. What did I do wrong? What did I not do to keep him from getting this? But its not my fault. Its not Kyle's fault. Its not Colton's fault. He just happen to be one of the fortunate people on this earth who live with this life changing disease. I can't explain it. I know that even though I do, I shouldn't question it. Why? Because as I've said before, God chose ME to be Colton's mom. And He chose Kyle to be his dad. And if He didn't think we could handle it, then He wouldn't have made that choice.
I know that we've got a long road ahead of us. And I will still NOT just sit back and try to forget it all. I can't. What kind of mother would I be if I just sat and never made a point to care about any of this? What kind of mom would I be if I never made sure he checks his blood sugar or bolused. What kind of mother would I be if I just turned him loose and said, "Oh hey, I dont care what you eat today, have at it!"
I titled this 'Mom, Im HI' for a reason. Colton has been on an insulin pump since the day after Tobi was born. Thanks to our amazing friend, who has been in our lives since about 2 weeks after Colton was dx'd.
Colton's pump is his pancreas. The one inside his body is DEAD. It does NOT work, and outside of having a transplant, its not going to work. This pump delivers a steady flow of insulin 24/7. When he eats, he figures out what the total amount of carbs he's going to be eating is, puts that into his pump and does whats called a bolus. That means that in addition to the basal(steady flow) of insulin he always gets, he's going to be getting additional insulin to cover the food he's eaten. If he doesn't do this, his blood sugar will continue to rise.
Well earlier today I heard his pump doing this little chime it does somethings and I asked him what it was. It was what's called a 'failed delivery'. Thats bad!!! That means that its either A) his pump acting up B) his infusion set is messed up or C) the tubing to his infusion is kinked. I can just imagine the look on some of your faces as you read all of that. Trust me..its not as complicated as it sounds. And when you've been dealing with it as long as we have, its a piece of cake! (No pun intended!)
I got busy with fixing dinner and it was not until AFTER dinner and AFTER I cleaned the kitchen up and started doing other things, that I heard it again. I started not to say anything but instead of getting up to go do whatever, he just sat on the couch. I waited a few seconds and I finally said, "What was that beepin??"
And he said, "Another failed delivery." I just looked at him. He'd tried to bolus for his dinner THREE times--and each time, he only got like 3 units of insulin. And normally, when he eats, he gets anywhere between 10 and 15 units at EACH meal.
He finally gets up and checks his blood sugar. He comes into the living room and he says, all it says is HI.
I sit in my chair and close my eyes. Im irritated. Im immediately in that scared, gotta be calm, irritated aggrevated mom mode. He tries to bolus. I again, get up and get busy with something else. When I finally ask him after hearing yet another beep beep beep, WHY I was hearing it again, he says, Failed Delivery again.
To make it a bit shorter, I had to get the book out and make sure we'd done everything we could to fix the problem. The solution--He needed to change his site. The site that he had JUST changed a few hours before he ate dinner. So, for whatever reason, he was not getting any insulin when he was bolusing. SO now he's HI. An HOUR after getting his infusion site changed yet again, and trying to bolus, he's still HI.
When his meter says he's HI--that means his glucose is over 600!!!!!!!!!! Do you have any idea how bad that is?????
Suprisingly, he knew what had to be done. And he didnt want to do it, I know. But he went and got his insulin and a syringe and I gave him a shot. Even though he's had this for 10 years, and even though he should be 'use to it', he's not. People want to think that you get use to stuff like this. But you don't. Or at least, with him he doesn't.
And this whole scenario is WHY I am the way that I am about him and his health. I feel like it is my job as his mom to take care of him, and to make sure he does the things that he has to do. I get so sick and TIRED of people thinking, "SO, he has diabetes. Whats the big deal??" Let me tell you, it IS a big deal. Im not going to sugar coat it. It is a LIFE and DEATH situation. I said it in a previous blog. If he gets mad and angry enough about having to do all of this, and he goes just a few days without checking his glucose and without taking extra insulin for his food intake, he will be in the hospital, or gone from this earth!
And as his mother I can not just sit and let him do that.
As mad and upset as I get with him because he doesn't always do what needs to be done every single day...
I love him too much to lose him. I love him too much, to let him become a statistic.
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